Tuesday, February 2, 2010

A Change of Heart . . .

This afternoon, the birth-parents were supposed to go to our adoption agency and sign their relinquishment papers terminating their parental rights. We have been praying for them all week - praying for peace and comfort as they make the hardest choice imaginable as a parent. We have been praying for their moms as they prepared to say good-bye to their grand-child. We have been praying for Caden to understand how much his parents loved him when they made this adoption plan.

Instead, this morning we took our son back to the agency.

The birth-parents changed their minds and decided to parent.

We are in shock, we are in pain, we are trusting, we are praying, we are crying, we are wondering, we are scared. We were told this was entirely possible but once we took him home and had all the confirming words of the birth-parents and relatives, we were convinced that the birth-parents were sure of their plan. Our pregnancy counselor and case workers were convinced that they were sure. We all were 100% confident that this was our son.

Apparently the Lord has other plans for us.

I miss Caden more than anything. I've never suffered a loss like this before and I hope I never have to again. My heart breaks in a new way for moms that have mis-carried or parents that have lost children. I won't pretend that I know what they have felt, but I can more closely relate now than I could before.

Kylie cries when she talks about her baby brother. She doesn't understand why they took her baby brother. She still wants to be the big sister so much. She says they can't take him because he's her baby brother. My heart breaks for her and I don't know how to help her heal.

I trust the Lord and I recognize that He works all things for His good, but I still don't understand. It doesn't seem best to start Caden's life with parents that are still in high school, that can't drive, that don't have cars or jobs or money, and that are not even in a relationship together anymore. But I have to trust the Lord. I cry when I walk into his room and think about going to church this week without him. But I have to trust the Lord. I don't understand why Kylie can't have the baby brother she so desperately wants now. But I trust the Lord.

I trust Him because he is faithful and He has always been faithful to me. I don't know what tomorrow will bring and I don't know when our child will come home to us, but I know that I can trust him.

Again I am reminded: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for a future and a hope." Jer 29:11


The D's said...

We will remain committed in our prayers for you. We know God will see you through this time, knowing He loves and watches over you.

"Cast your cares on the LORD
and he will sustain you;" Psalm 55:22

"Surely God is my help;
the Lord is the one who sustains me."
Psalm 54:4

♥ Rachael said...

Becca, I am so sorry. I can't imagine the hurt you all are feeling right now, and we're praying for your strength and faithfulness. You are an amazing family and I know that you guys will lift the Lord through this, which will inspire so many. You have been and will continued to be blessed for your faithfulness to Him. You all are so loved. Please let me know if you need anything...anything at all. Love you!

Kristi said...

I just got a huge pit in my stomach and I don't even know you. I cannot begin to imagine how devastating this is. So. very. sorry.

I will truly pray for you and your empty arms.

Anonymous said...

Praying for your family - Amy

Anonymous said...

My heart breaks or you and your family. You are in my prayers.

The Lenning Family said...

Words can't describe how truly sorry I am for all of you. My heart breaks too and I have shed a few tears for you as well. I know God has a greater plan and in time your wounds will heal. For now, you're in every prayer of mine. Love you all!

Cindy said...

I'm getting on my knees to pray for you guys right now. When I miscarried again we had so many people praying for us and I could actually feel a sense of calm in the midst of the storm. I hope you feel it too.

~ Tamara said...

I have never met you, yet I follow your blog faithfully. Today, we learned that we will not be able to "unofficially" adopt a young man from Africa. After paying for him, as our son/brother for weeks, God has closed that door.

I am so deeply touched by your words of faith in a time of greatest sadness for your family. Please know that your strengh and hope in this BIG trial, helps those of us going through itty-bitty ones.

May God wrap his loving arms around your family today and in the future.

The Nikkels said...

i don't know you, but my heart is breaking. i am so sorry for your loss. there are no words. praying for you.

Julie Brown said...

Dear Holt family,
With tears in my eyes and sadness in my heart, I write to you. I do not know how people make it through such hard times without the Lord.
I have appreciated your Godly testimonies and comments since I have signed up with your post.
Leaning on the Lord is the only way I know to handle heartache and will pray for you and your family as well as Caden and his birthparents. God is not through with this little guy yet.
I was sure that you would get alot of letters but my husband said I should write and express this to you.
Take care and GOD BLESS YOU!
Julie Brown

Amy said...

Becca, I'm so sorry. I'll be praying for God to comfort you and give you peace.

EB said...

Eric, Becca, and Kylie,
We are so sad to hear of this loss. :( We are praying for comfort for you all and peace in the midst of so many emotions and unanswered questions. Words just aren't enough, I know, but I want you to know we care.
Brad and EB

Juli said...

It's through tears that I type this. We have also lost a son and I feel a piece of your pain. The verse you typed at the bottom is such a comfort and I'm thankful that you know it's true and are clinging to it. I had memorized it before our loss and it came to mind often.

I rejoice that you can proclaim and cling to the truth, through this hard time. That doesn't mean it's easy or pain-free . . . I know that.

There is a Steve Green song that a friend sang at our wedding and we also played at our son's funeral. It's based on Psalm 20:7. We wanted to remind ourselves and others that the God we trusted on our wedding day was the same God we trusted on the day of our precious son's funeral. Here's a long link that should get you to it if you want to listen. If it doesn't work, you can easily search for, "We trust in the name of the Lord our God."


I know you will come to mind often and I will pray for you all. I'm so sorry you have to experience this deep pain. Be confident that there's another person praying for your special family.

Kate said...

My heart broke when I read your post. I have been following your blog for about a year now and have been praying for your family and the adoption journey. I am so sorry for your pain. I am praying for you all, for Caden that he grows up to know Jesus, and for the birth parents. The love and light of Christ that you are shining in the midst of your pain is bringing Glory to God and you will be blessed! Hugs and prayers, Kate